I am present, but at the same time I am not. Here lies the remains of a shadow of the person that I once thought I was. Trapped against the wall, forced on my back, I suffocate. Finally getting a taste of air, yet it is acidic and filled with poisonous gas. I have been given pollution in the guise of oxygen and my body rejects it. I am exiled, like a fish thrown out of the sea and struggling to breathe.
There is no manuscript on how to adult, you just get thrown into the orbit and made to float on your own without any oxygen helmet to help. So, where do I find myself? On an unknown page of a confusing chapter at my wits end. I do not know where to turn and all my sources are from wikipedia. We all know how informational and intuitive wiki is. I have been floating around for a year not knowing where to land, let alone how to land. Most of the time I want to scream at nothing and punch the wall, because this angst that I feel inside is crawling its way on my skin, leaving red welts in its wake. Desperate to feel anything, even if it is pain, I restrain the urge to pierce my soul. Thick fog consumes my very sense of rationality and strips away my strength. I cannot see where my feet are going, my vision is compromised. It is as if I have no control of my destination, like I am being led by strings like a marionette. Does a puppet really have a say where she goes if the master is the one leading? And who is the master in the end? Can a puppet really think for themselves and learn to fail on their own so that they can finally become Pinocchio’s of their lives? Or will they always have a maker ready to refine them as they wish? I guess in this life we all fall into a category of puppets and puppet masters. Which one are you?