I’m lonely. I mean really lonely. As I sit here on the couch doing my homework at 6:30 in the morning (typical Jess move ladies and gentlemen) I am overwhelmed by this feeling washing over me of being spent. I can’t place the source of my sorrow and it is actually starting to make me feel some type of way. Was it because I had so many assignments that was due and my senioritis was on full overdrive? Or is it that I have been on the move since I started school a month ago and I have yet to take my first breath of relief? Right maybe that’s it…but that seems too easy of a conclusion. It has to be something else for me to feel the way that I do. There is this storm rolling inside my stomach that is making its way all around my organs and trailing all around the smallest and deepest parts of me. It is filling me like a fog covers up one’s surroundings. Maybe it’s because I am closing in on my lady visit–maybe that’s what it is. I mean there are some women who suffer from premenstrual depression and I recognize myself as one of the prisoners to this plague. Yeah maybe that’s it and I should just give myself a break from this interoggation cause I really don’t need this right now. Gah seriously I should be critiquing my classmates poems right now. Instead I’m here prying and pulling at the layers that do NOT want to be pried for clues.
But I have a feeling I know already what it is. Plain and simple- I am tired of being played like a little puppet who only comes alive when my strings get pulled. I am not getting any younger and quite frankly I am getting a little irritated that everyone around me has been singing the same tune to me. In unison they all chorus to me, “You have all the time in the world. You’re young–enjoy your college years! You will have plenty of time for all of that when the time comes.” Okay seriously I don’t want to call BS on this one because I know that it is genuine advice given by genuine people but I just have like one question. WHEN?! All the single people around me can understand what I’m trying to say here cause a lot of those who have been in successful and long lasting relationships have forgotten the void and ache that you are consumed by every once in a while. Don’t get me wrong I am in no way shape or form bitter towards those who have found their other half. I’m actually happy for them and cheering them on to succeed. Like my roommate who is in a successful relationship with her guy and I pray for them that they see old age together. And no I do not have a problem with being single whatsoever. I am one of the most independent, adventurous, unattached and busiest gals out there. Trust me, I march to my own beat from the world. There is nothing more that I love than being able to assimilate into any social group and have my schedule available to do anything spontaneous without having to worry about a significant others emotions and needs. Doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be bothered by it. I want someone to bother me everyday–to challenge me in every sense of the word while helping me grow into a better form of me.
I guess I am just tired of being burned and fighting myself to not lose the little pieces of hope I have left.