Have you ever felt like the wind was being knocked out of you as you continuously fought for air? Was there ever a moment your brain just said “fuck this” and shut down into full on darkness? Where survival was more a wishful thought then a reality, and you could never truly see how the darkness was consuming every shimmering light around you. I am more then certain that we all have had those moments of having enough of the world, as our cup overflows into an erupted volcano of emotions. I am also more then certain that we all have isolated ourselves at one point into the confinement of our darkened rooms as we slide to the ground in defeat. The only lifeline we have that proves our existence is our backs leaning against a hardened wall or the feel of a sturdy and cool ground. As the tears slide down our burning cheeks in hot pools, we whisper to the space above us, “I can’t do this” in the most agonized voice it pained even the air to hear. Crying so deeply that our chest begins to heave in desperation; begging us to seize this horrendous ordeal. Have you ever gotten to the point where even your own voice has given up on you and all you remain is a silent heaving mess of a rag doll giving into the pain that is passing through you? It’s agonizing because you can’t touch the actual pain you are feeling, that’s why you subconsciously touch your chest or throat as a way of stopping the pain from passing through in futile attempts. This is why you suppress your emotions for so long–it’s because you know once you start crying, you can’t stop and it becomes a never ending fight between remaining sane or giving in to the chaos residing in you. Some will give in to the waves of crying fits and be alright, but then there are those who force themselves to stop as quickly as they started. Their only escape is staring at the dark room until all they can think and feel is complete and utter nothingness. They allow the darkness to make a haven in their souls, not realizing that slowly but surely the fire is dimming out. This is my every day fight with depression where I am constantly fighting for my life and sanity. These are not feelings that I can just zap and wish away. They cannot be erased by not thinking about them and thinking only positively. Because my mind is a never ending maze full of unorganized file cabinets that wreak havoc for my OCD. They do not disappear because I smile. I have perfected the mask of happiness so well that I have become my own audience to my own performance.

As I am writing this, I am crying my eyes out and listening to inspirational music to calm my nerves in order to get through this. Why? Because every post that I share with you all triggers all the emotions back again and the feelings I thought I had worked through come surfacing back up. It’s not fair; I never asked to be this screwed up in the head. I mean if someone were to attempt to spend a day in my mind, they would not last an hour because it is mentally exhausting to fight to live. I want to live, I do. I really, really do. I think life is beautiful, but there are moments where I question whether it would not remain beautiful without me. Years ago around the most darkest moments of my life, I would have taken my own life no questions asked because living every day fighting to survive was such a hazy idea I could not grasp firmly. I even made a few unsuccessful attempts (clearly). But now I would do everything and anything to stay alive with a beating heart. I made a promise to someone I would never take my right to live away and the thought of leaving everyone that matters to me in agony and full of confused pain, cripples me more than the flooding gates of emotions that I fight on a daily.

I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic
And my life don’t even matter
I know it I know it I know I’m hurting deep down but can’t show it
I never had a place to call my own
I never had a home
Ain’t nobody callin’ my phone
Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind?
They say every life precious but nobody care about mine

It’s the very first breath
When your head’s been drowning underwater
And it’s the lightness in the air
When you’re there
Chest to chest with a lover
It’s holding on, though the road’s long
And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection
Finally knowing who it is
I know that you’ll thank God you did

It can be hard
It can be so hard
But you gotta live right now
You got everything to give right now

Pain don’t hurt the same, I know
The lane I travel feels alone
But I’m moving ’til my legs give out
And I see my tears melt in the snow
But I don’t wanna cry
I don’t wanna cry anymore
I wanna feel alive
I don’t even wanna die anymore
Oh I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna
I don’t even wanna die anymore
I matter. You matter. We all matter. Our lives matter and not ours to take away. My heart goes out to all those who thought differently as well as for those who have loved ones who are suffering after the trauma has been done.
***poem stanzas taken from Logic’s song 1-800-273-8255 Hotline featuring Alessia Cara and Khalid.

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